The time is near…

Well, the summer is officially coming to an end. School begins in two days and my nerves remain unsettled. My main concern is not the school itself (Bryn Mawr has, so far, proven to meet all of my expectations and more- in short, the campus and people are beyond lovely). Instead, my worries surround the course/ work load I will soon encounter. I have yet, in my academic career, had to balance a full course load with the responsibility of being a wife and mother. Surely, one area must suffer for the other to remain successful. It sounds pessimistic, I know, but I feel that in a time (like now) in which I have such little control I must remain pragmatic, and, though it sounds cliche, expect the worst. That way, whatever hurdles come into our/ my path, we/ I will be ready. However, despite my efforts to control the impending situation and my emotions surrounding it, another thought is in the constant forefront of my mind- why am I not more concerned for my children? You see, my children have always been my primary concern and focus, but lately I have found the majority of my thoughts looming around my return to school, rather than theirs. Is this a selfish act, or simply a natural one? Has the inability to balance my parental responsibilities with my academic ones already begin? Maybe not, maybe I just subconsciously understand that children are far more resilient than their adult counterparts. Again, I turn the focus to myself and my lack of self- confidence and resilience, why? Should I not worry about them more than I worry about myself? They are both transferring into a new elementary school this year and have many concerns of their own. My youngest, my daughter, is nervous beyond belief. She turned seven years old this August, and is already so riddled with anxiety that she often becomes nauseous simply at the thought of entering a new school and making new friends. I see this behavior in her, and yet find it hard to focus on any distress other than my own- not even my young child’s. It IS selfish and, as I write this, I can not help but be filled with embarrassment. I must make a conscious effort to refocus my mental energies. A more steadily guided path of thought must accompany me along my journey, one that puts my family in the forefront, if the weight of the load I will carry is to remain balanced.

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